Why?
by 101spacemonkey
Summary: angsty spence fic...


** Disclaimer:** i dont own Criminal minds or Brand New - Jesus Christ

**A/N:** i love reviews, but hey doesnt everyone?

_**Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face  
The kind you'd find on someone that could save  
If they don't put me away  
Well, it'll be a miracle**_

Spencer shivered. They would lock him up for sure this time. 'I am not my mum' he muttered to himself, 'I am not my mum'

He was scared. After the Hankel incident he had dabbled in drugs, and now he was feeling really messed up. He shouted at the normally useful voices to be quiet.

Despite being agnostic, Spencer couldn't help but blame God for his current situation. Slowly he thought back to when his mum had taught him the Bible. Eloi eloi lama sabachthani? My God, my God why have you forsaken me?

_**Do you believe you're missing out  
That everything good is happening somewhere else?  
But with nobody in your bed  
The night's hard to get through  
**_

He sat on his bed, quietly contemplating his options. People said suicide was selfish, but really he was a hassle on the team, he would be doing them a favour, right? Morgan didn't like him, he always teased him. Garcia hardly knew him, so why would she care? J.J tended to think of J.J. He stopped. He didn't want to keep thinking of the team. It was obvious they wouldn't care.

_**And I will die all alone  
And when I arrive I won't know anyone  
**_

He was afraid of death and yet he embraced it. He thought of his mum. She wouldn't notice either; she could hardly remember him half the time. Taking in a deep breath, he slowly released it.

_**Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again  
So what did you do those three days you were dead?  
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.**_

It was a case of now or never. He thought he could hear the phone ringing, but he wasn't sure, all other noises seemed to have been dimmed. He got up and walked to the bathroom. It was his choice. Standing in front of the mirror a razor blade in hand he thought of God and what happened when you die._**  
**_  
_**Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared of dying,  
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after  
Do I get the gold chariot?  
Do I float through the ceiling?  
**_

It would be just like going to sleep. He wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again. he didn't care where he ended up, just as long as it wasn't here and he wasn't him anymore.

_**  
Do I divide and fall apart?  
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark  
And the ship went down in sight of land  
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands**_

He slowly sliced and watched entranced as the blood ran down his arm and slowly filled the sink. The blood seemed to fall like petals, staining the harsh white of the sink a watery pink. He felt his breathing slow, and wondered about what to do now. The realisation of what he had done becoming stingingly obvious. His fear caught his cries in his throat. He was too weak to cry out, the ever ringing phone being the only sound that penetrated the silence.__

I know you're coming in the night like a thief  
But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique  
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust  
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up  


Edging across the floor, over to the phone. leaving a trail of blood in his wake. He knocked it off the receiver. 'Reid?' came a familiar voice.' Hotch!' he managed to cry before the loss of blood overwhelmed him.

_**  
So do you think that we could work out a sign  
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try  
**_

He was floating, he was truly free. Somewhere he could hear a loud banging. Suddenly reality smashed its way back into his consciousness as he was shaken into awareness.

It was Morgan. 'Reid, Man! Come on, don't do this to me'

_**  
I know you're coming for the people like me  
But we all got wood and nails  
And turned out a hate factory**_

He could see the flash of lights and the blare of the sirens as he was rushed to hospital. The paramedics franticly trying to stop the flow of blood.

_**  
We all got wood and nails  
And turned out a hate factory**_

Two days later:

Hotch stood and watched the nurse attend Reid. He should have seen this coming. He turned quickly wiping away a tear. He hated himself for missing all the signs. Looking up at the ceiling he quietly exclaimed 'why God?' _**  
We all got wood and nails  
And we sleep inside of this machine**_

**A/N:** im a little worried that it only makes sense to me sighs please review, reviews are love!


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